Swiftpaw's Chance: Chapter 9
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In the morning, Dogscar blinks awake to find himself in a slightly different position than the night before. Brightpaw has somehow managed to wriggle her muzzle under his chin and Cloudtail’s head is on his haunches, with his forepaws resting in Dogscar’s back legs. Neither of them is awake, and Dogscar holds very still while he debates trying to extract himself without disturbing them or just feigning sleep until they wake up.
From the other side of the den, Dustpelt stands up, stretches, and shakes the moss from his pelt before picking his way across the sleeping warriors. He knocks into Cloudtail a bit as he passes and Cloudtail grunts, lifting his head. He looks around the den for a moment before his gaze lands on Dogscar and he grins, just a little.
“Morning,” Cloudtail says softly.
Dogscar lifts his head to avoid disturbing Brightpaw when he responds. “Hey there.”
“You know, if you’re not doing anything today, we could all go hunting together,” Cloudtail offers.
And Dogscar almost says yes, but- “I don’t know. I still can’t fight any cat properly. Longtail probably wants to help me train some more, especially after last night.”
“Oh,” Cloudtail’s ears flatten a little in disappointment. “Hey, we could come with you? Be your sparring partners?”
“I don’t think so,” Dogscar says, shaking his head. The pair of them have seen him falling apart in a fight too many times already.
“What about sparring partners?” Brightpaw yawns, lifting her head up some. “Are we sparring today?”
“Dogscar doesn’t want us to,” Cloudtail tells her, and Brightpaw deflates a bit.
It’s early in the morning, and Dogscar just woke up, so that’s exactly what he’s going to use as his excuse for caving immediately. He’s not awake enough to deal with Brightpaw’s disappointed face looking up at him.
“I never said that,” he says defensively, and Brightpaw grins, which makes Cloudtail’s little snort worth it. “If...If you really want , I guess, it could be okay.”
“What, so Brightpaw can convince you, but not me?” Cloudtail asks, mock-pouting at him.
“Well,” Dogscar tells him, flicking him in the face with his tail as he stands. “She is prettier than you.”
Brightpaw makes a little choked sound, but when Dogscar glances down at her she’s licking at her chest fur, almost like she’s embarrassed. He decides against calling her out on it and just brushes lightly against her as he pads out of the den and into the sunlight.
Bluestar’s body is already gone, probably carried off for burial by the elders earlier in the morning. Dogscar looks around for Longtail and spots Fireheart and Cinderpelt instead, over by the medicine den. He guesses they’re about to head out for the Moonstone, and trots over with the vague idea of saying goodbye. It occurs to him, halfway across camp, that none of the other warriors seem concerned with bidding their medicine cat and almost-leader farewell.
Well. He’s not exactly like the other warriors, he doesn’t think, and at any rate he’s closer to Cinderpelt than most anyone else outside of his family. And Brightpaw and Cloudtail, of course.
“Hey, Cinderpelt,” he says as he reaches them. A second too late he remembers Fireheart and dips his head to him awkwardly.
Fireheart gives him a small, reassuring smile and touches his tail to Cinderpelt’s shoulder before wandering over to the camp entrance.
“Hi, Dogscar,” Cinderpelt says. “Something wrong? I have to go if we want to be at the Moonstone by sundown, but I can spare a few minutes if-“
Dogscar cuts her off quickly as she starts to work up into a proper worried frown. “No, nothing like that, I’m fine. I was just coming to say goodbye.”
Now that the words are out there, he’s aware that he sounds a bit stupid, and flexes his claws uncomfortably. Cinderpelt breaks into a smile.
“Oh, okay. We’ll be back tomorrow, hopefully before sunhigh. Actually,” she flicks her tail lightly, “I know you’re a proper warrior now and all, but you are probably the only one around here with a good knowledge of herbs, and I’ll be gone for about two days with no apprentice here, so if you could just take over while I’m gone?”
Dogscar glances over his shoulder at Cloudtail and Brightpaw, who are standing together uncertainly and not-so-subtly watching him. He wants to help Cinderpelt, he does, but being a medicine cat for two days?
“It wouldn’t be like really being a medicine cat,” Cinderpelt assures him. “Just, it would really make me feel better to know some cat around here knew what to give a cat with a fever. Probably nothing will happen while I’m gone, but, I worry.”
She flashes him a bit of a self-deprecating smile and shrugs. “If you’re too busy or don’t want to, that’s alright.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Dogscar says quickly. “I can do it. Not like much will happen in two days while you’re gone anyway.”
Cinderpelt nods gratefully. “Thanks, Dogscar. Now, I really do have to go, and I’m sure there are things you were going to do today, so I should get going!”
He dips his head to her with a quiet, “Goodbye, stay safe,” and turns away.
Longtail has arrived to talk to Cloudtail and Brightpaw, and Dogscar bounds over to join them.
“Hi, Dogscar,” Longtail says, and though it’s lighter than most of their recent interactions, there’s a tenseness there that didn’t exist before the dog attack, and Dogscar feels a stab of guilt.
“We were just making sure it was okay with Longtail for us to help you with some sparring practice today,” Brightpaw says. “It is, by the way.”
“What were you talking to Cinderpelt about?” asks Cloudtail with a jerk of his chin to indicate the medicine den.
Dogscar waves his tail, dismissive. “Nothing. So are we going to train now?”
“We can start slower, with a hunting session if you want,” Longtail offers.
It’s an out, a way for Dogscar to avoid fighting and whatever it is that he still needs to work on. He shakes his head.
“No. Sparring.”
Longtail glances at him sideways. Dogscar stares back at him until he looks away and nods toward the camp entrance. “Okay. Let’s get going, then.”
The four of them start walking, Brightpaw and Cloudtail quickly taking the lead and running ahead together. Dogscar presses down on the little twinge of jealousy that gives him and is just about to try chasing after them when Longtail speaks up.
“I’m not like him, you know,” Longtail says quietly. “Darkstripe. I don’t follow Tigerstar anymore. And I would never hurt a kit.”
Dogscar reels back to look at him. It’s been a couple of days since the incident with Sorrelkit, which simultaneously feels like forever and no time at all, with everything that’s happened. He never even considered—he knows Longtail used to be one of Tigerstar’s group. He also knows Longtail didn’t leave with him, that his mentor is better than that. Dogscar knows Longtail isn’t like Darkstripe.
“Yeah, I know,” he says finally after a few seconds too many of gaping at his mentor. “I wasn’t...I didn’t think that.”
“I just wanted to make sure. I’ve seen you with Sorrelkit, and after my past...I just wanted to make sure.” Longtail ducks his head away.
They’ve nearly reached the training hollow, Brightpaw and Cloudtail just visible where they’re tussling together. Before they get within earshot Dogscar blurts out, “I’m sorry.”
Longtail stops. “What?”
“For what I said. After I woke up. When I told you it was your fault.”
Longtail shakes his head. “No, you were right. If I’d tried harder to make sure you became a warrior, or made sure you didn’t do anything stupid that night-“
“You didn’t know,” Dogscar interrupts. “No one knew what we were going to do but me and the other apprentices. I know Bluestar was your leader. I know she’s...she wasn’t a good leader, not if she could do what she did to me and Brightpaw.”
“She didn’t believe in StarClan anymore, I don’t think.” Longtail says.
“Really?” Dogscar had thought that was the case, maybe, but it’s a completely different thing to hear it said aloud. “So she liked Cloudtail because he doesn’t believe in StarClan, either.”
“Right.”
“So she really would never have made us warriors,” Dogscar says slowly.
“You can’t know that, I never even tried-“
“Shut up,” Dogscar says, and then winces. “Sorry. I just...you dont think the attack was my fault, do you?”
Longtail bristles. “Of course not! You were pushed aside and angry and you had no idea what kind of threat you were facing. None of it is your fault. You did your best and you survived, and that’s what matters.”
“So if it’s not my fault, it’s not your fault, either,” Dogscar says firmly. “That’s the deal. It’s both of our faults or neither.”
“I-“ Longtail spluttered for a moment. “Okay. Fine.”
Dogscar grins a little. “So what’s the verdict? Both or neither?”
“You know I can never blame you or Brightpaw for what happened,” Longtail says. “If any cat is to blame it’s Tigerstar. We saw him feeding the dogs. You found his scent all over those rabbits. He was there when we drove the dogs to the gorge.”
Dogscar nods, and then they’re at the training hollow and he doesn’t get the chance to say anything else. Cloudtail and Brightpaw break apart instantly, springing to their feet.
“So, we’re going to start off with something easy,” Longtail announces. “So Cloudtail, I want you and Dogscar to fight, but no pinning each other, and claws sheathed, obviously.”
Dogscar glares at his mentor. If Longtail counts as his mentor anymore. “You don’t need to treat me like a kit.”
“Of course not. We’re just going slow, because clearly what we tried in the past was not the best method. If you’re successful with this, we’ll move on,” Longtail says easily.
With a small growl under his breath, Dogscar turns back to Cloudtail. He lashes his tail, determined to succeed at this stupidly easy little fight. Because he has to show everyone that the dog fight didn’t ruin him. He has to be a warrior.
He has to.
Cloudtail springs for him and Dogscar instinctively dodges, every instinct screaming, just for a heartbeat, that his enemy is too big and too dangerous for him to fight, that his only option is to run. He shakes his head violently and throws himself back at Cloudtail, swatting one paw into the tom’s muzzle.
Cloudtail’s head snaps to the side with the force of it and he grins openmouthed, pushing forward and battering Dogscar’s shoulders with his paws as Dogscar falls back.
He steps sideways to avoid the blows and ignores the tightness growing in his chest. It’s just a practice fight. It’s just Cloudtail. They’re barely even allowed to do anything , for StarClan’s sake.
Cloudtail spins around as Dogscar dodges and kicks out with one hind leg. It connects at Dogscar’s shoulder and he stumbles back. Dogs howl in his ears for half a second and then he lunges, dragging his paws down Cloudtail’s flank. In the back of his mind white fur stains red, long bloody trails left behind his claws, and Dogscar shudders.
Across from him, Cloudtail pauses, one paw raised. “You okay?”
“Fine,” Dogscar says through gritted teeth, and lunges, snapping his teeth closed just next to Cloudtail’s ear, to make a point.
Cloudtail snaps at him in return before he can move, but his teeth close on Dogscar’s whiskers, pulling at them. Dogscar rips away with a snarl, working the side of his face. He spends a second being grateful he’s not missing most of his whiskers there before Cloudtail’s shoulder slams into him, sending him stumbling sideways. And just like that he’s off-balance, his blood thrumming fearfully in his veins, and Cloudtail’s paws battering his shoulders are an enemy driving him back.
He’s breathing hard, too hard for a practice fight, and teetering on the edge between memory and reality. A part of him hesitates, wants to insist that he can keep going, that he is fine. Another part of him wants it to stop, just for a moment, so he can breathe . So he can think.
He thinks that everyone would probably be pleased with him, if he took it easy for ten seconds of his life, and the idea of Longtail smiling approvingly or Cinderpelt telling him he did well or Cloudtail and Brightpaw bumping lightly up against him is what makes Dogscar back up, shaking his head.
“Hold...hold on. Stop.”
Cloudtail does, instantly, his open, fanged grin disappearing as he backs up several paces. “Okay. You alright?”
There’s something distinctly careful about the way he says it, a voice saved for small kits scared after nightmares. Dogscar grits his teeth and closes his eyes and thinks . He is scared, in a way, even if he hates to label it like that. And the part of his brain that runs on instinct and adrenaline and wants to flinch when Longtail takes a hesitant step forward actually likes Cloudtail’s careful, gentle tone. So he holds himself for a moment, teeth grinding together, and finally opens his eyes.
They’re just trying to help . Cloudtail just wants to help, and Dogscar is violent and cruel so, first, he’s trying to keep his distance while he does it, and second, Dogscar should be glad he’s even trying, after everything.
He forces himself to relax, to turn toward the others. Cloudtail moves slightly so he’s standing in front of Brightpaw, and in the back of his mouth Dogscar’s teeth grind.
“I can take care of myself, Cloudtail,” Brightpaw tells him quietly, sidestepping him. Cloudtail opens his mouth like he might say something, closes it.
“Dogscar,” Longtail says, gently. “Are you okay?”
And that’s just the question, isn’t it? Dogscar has no idea. He wants to say that he’s fine , but he’s not entirely sure it’s true, and anyway after he just stopped the fight, would any of them believe him? So he flexes his claws and stares at the ground to avoid their eyes before he speaks.
“I—I don’t know.”
“It’s okay,” Brightpaw says, taking a few small steps forward, “if you don’t know. Or if you’re not okay. Whatever you want us to do, we’ll do it.”
Dogscar shakes his head. “I don’t...I don’t know . What if, what happens, what happens if I can’t fight?” He looks up at her. “What do I do if I can’t fight?”
Brightpaw closes the distance between him so their noses nearly touch. “Stop. There’s more to life than fighting, Dogscar. There’s more to being a warrior than fighting. If you decided you just wanted to hunt and help out in the camp instead of going to battle? I’m sure you could do that. If you wanted to be a medicine cat, or just retire early, you can do that too. Or, if you want, we can help you, all of us, do whatever you need to work through this so you can fight. Look at me.”
Dogscar snaps his eyes back to her. Without thinking about it he’d let his gaze slide down and away from her, and now, staring at her huge, ugly scar and her bright blue eye he almost backs away. Brightpaw would let him, he thinks, and then he meets her gaze. Very rarely has he seen Brightpaw this intense—he owes her his attention, at the very least.
“Your life isn’t over , Dogscar,” Brightpaw says, slow and clear. “You decide what you want, and—no guarantees, you know that, but—we will do everything we can to make sure you can have it.”
Inexplicably, Dogscar wants to press his muzzle into her fur, tuck himself up under her chin like he was a kit again, with Goldenflower. For half a heartbeat he considers saying it, or doing it, and finally he just ducks his head.
“I think...” he says slowly, “I want to go back to camp. And try again later, today or tomorrow or both. And I want to talk to Cinderpelt, when she comes back.”
“Okay,” Brightpaw says, and it’s that easy.
She steps away from him, only to come around to his side, walking so close their fur brushes, and Cloudtail joins him on his other side. Longtail smiles softly at them and falls into step at the back.
“You know that was brave of you, right?” Cloudtail asks softly as they walk.
“Cowardly of me, to tap out of a basic fight,” Dogscar mutters before he can think about it.
“Shut up ,” Brightpaw says, and under the teasing note in her voice there’s a real seriousness there. “You are not the cat you used to be.”
“Yeah, I’m worse-“
“No you’re not ,” Cloudtail spits, with so much venom Dogscar actually stops walking for a second.
Brightpaw nudges him in the shoulder. “You were...look, no offense to your past self, but you did everything so fast , Dogscar, and so much , the only thing you wanted in the world was to be the best warrior, and that’s not a bad thing, it’s just...it didn’t leave a whole lot of room for anything else, yknow?”
Dogscar thinks for a second and shakes his head. “No.”
Brightpaw huffs at him. “You...you're different now, is all I’m saying. You’re...slower. And, honestly? Nicer. Sometimes. And that’s okay . What happened to you, to us? It was huge. Neither of us is the same cat anymore. No one could be the same after that. So if you don’t want to be the greatest warrior anymore, it’s okay.”
“And what if I do?” Dogscar asks.
“Then we’ll help you get there,” Brightpaw says firmly.
“You kinda sound like Cinderpelt,” he tells her, and she smiles a bit.
“I talked to her sometimes, when you were asleep or out somewhere. She knows a lot, she helped me a lot.”
Dogscar nods at her, and then a scream—a sound no cat could ever make—splits the air around them. Four cats throw their heads back, scanning the sky through the leaves. Dogscar catches a glimpse of a brown wing as it darts over the sky.
“It’s a hawk,” Longtail says. “We’re not far from camp.”
“The kits,” Dogscar breathes. A hawk could carry off any cat, but kits especially are easy prey. He imagines Sorrelkit being carried off in a huge bird’s talons, bleeding and crying out, and he breaks into a run.
The others are right behind him, but Dogscar is still as swift as ever, and he outpaces them easily, reaching the camp in a moment, crashing part of the way through the thorn barrier and taking in the scene at a glance.
Every cat in camp is in their dens, worried eyes fixed on the sky as the hawk circles. There’s only one living thing left in the open: Snowkit, playing with a ball of moss.
“Snowkit!” Brightpaw cries as she bounds up, skidding to a stop and glancing anxiously at the sky.
“Why isn’t he moving?” Dogscar hisses, shifting his weight. He has seconds to make a decision, to stay where he is in relative shelter or risk himself running for Snowkit.
“He’s deaf ,” Brightpaw whispers, frantic. “Didn’t you know?”
The hawk screams again. A dozen voices rise up at once, calling Snowkit’s name. One of them is Dogscar’s.
Three bodies dive together for the kit. The hawk, it’s shadow growing bigger and bigger overtop of Snowkit as he turns, finally looking up for the source of the darkness; Dogscar, racing the length of the camp to get to him; and Brackenfur, a blur of brownish gold as he leaps for the kit he’s meant to mentor.
Three bodies crash together in midair, and every living thing in ThunderClan camp begins to scream.